Get me out
A negative emotion is not always a bad thing. Anger. Crabbiness. Frustration. They're not always bad.
She asked if I was okay... I paused, and responded "I'm crabby and I don't know how to stop and I don't know why." She abruptly turned around and went away.
Instead of offering any kind of empathy, sympathy, or heart-to-heart... she just ran away. She asked about my state of being, and when she heard the response, she just ran away. She's my own mother... I'm supposed to be able to talk to her about anything... aren't I?
But instead, here I sit in my room, crying on my bed, because instead of offering any kind of motherly comfort... she just walked back to her tv show. And she wonders why I don't sit out there with her watching tv all the time. I'm not comfortable with her. I'm tense and frustrated and hurt and sad. And I can't even begin to talk her about it.
The last time I tried to bring up something that was frustrating me (particularly with how she was behaving), she told me that she didn't consider my issues to be issues. We then went back to another week and a half of not really interacting. She completely won't respond to any negative emotion I have, it seems, unless it's something completely outside of our relationship.
There are so many similarities between my mother and my ex-husband, and no matter how many times I have pointed them out, neither one of them could hear what I was saying. Right now, I find myself feeling the same way I felt when I left him. I feel stuck. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go to feel ok. I feel like I'm yet again searching for home, and searching for myself, without having any idea of where to even start looking, or if it's even somehow okay for me to be searching.
When I was married, I wasn't allowed to let issues be issues for very long. When there was anger, we had to fight it out before either of us went to bed. He believed in the idea of "never go to bed angry". And he wanted to constantly talk through issues, even when I didn't have the issue fully formed into words in my mind yet. Many arguments escalated to an ugly level, simply because I wasn't given the time or space to gather my thoughts so that we could have rational conversation.
Now here I find myself in almost the exact opposite dilemma, with the same root issue. I'm not allowed to have issues because if I do, they'll be ignored and treated with the silent treatment.
It's one of the few opposites between the two that I've found.
The circumstance I find myself living in is one of extreme discomfort. Of repeated feelings and pained memories. I feel like I'm living in my marriage all over again... with the only difference being that this relationship is one with my mother, not someone I chose to be with.
I do not feel okay. I do not feel comfortable. I do not feel safe, in some ways. I do not feel at home. I feel like there's a dynamic at work in the two most prominent relationships in my life thus far, that are major flags that I never want to see again. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel utterly stuck in the situations I am living in.
How do I express to someone that I'm not okay... and not have them run away or get angry with me? How do I find a way to talk through my issues without someone telling me that they're not issues? How do I express myself to someone I'm supposed to trust and be 100% okay with, if they only ever run from the issues that I have with them that I bring forward?
I cannot live in silence. I cannot live in a situation where issues in a relationship are not talked about, or contrarily need to be talked about ASAP and cannot be thought about over an appropriate time.
I hate this. I feel the need to talk to someone about my issues, but the one person with whom I need to discuss these issues doesn't want to talk about them (in or out of counseling).
Yet another similarity of wanting to avoid counseling.
It's so funny how, when I was young, my mother had no hesitation with taking me to a counselor to try to work through my issues... but when it came time to either do a joint session, or for her to go in to talk to the therapist by herself (even if talking to them about me)... she didn't go. Counseling stopped.
And life moved on. And I still had issues. I still have issues. My depression isn't going away. My pain and frustration and hurt... it's all still as much there as it was when I was 11.... but a little bigger now. I've slowly been able to at least recognize it for what it is, and to keep control of it all... most days.
I really, sincerely, hope that a new living situation will improve this life. Because I am not okay with this right now. I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, with my mother living in my living room while between jobs. I pay the bills for the apartment, and my mom buys food and cooks dinner. I hate it.
I don't want to live with someone anymore. I don't want to live with anyone anymore. I can't handle being the only one who wants to talk through issues. I can't handle not having my own food and my own life. I can't handle being the only option to go do things with. I have so many issues.
I don't want to do this anymore.
She asked if I was okay... I paused, and responded "I'm crabby and I don't know how to stop and I don't know why." She abruptly turned around and went away.
Instead of offering any kind of empathy, sympathy, or heart-to-heart... she just ran away. She asked about my state of being, and when she heard the response, she just ran away. She's my own mother... I'm supposed to be able to talk to her about anything... aren't I?
But instead, here I sit in my room, crying on my bed, because instead of offering any kind of motherly comfort... she just walked back to her tv show. And she wonders why I don't sit out there with her watching tv all the time. I'm not comfortable with her. I'm tense and frustrated and hurt and sad. And I can't even begin to talk her about it.
The last time I tried to bring up something that was frustrating me (particularly with how she was behaving), she told me that she didn't consider my issues to be issues. We then went back to another week and a half of not really interacting. She completely won't respond to any negative emotion I have, it seems, unless it's something completely outside of our relationship.
There are so many similarities between my mother and my ex-husband, and no matter how many times I have pointed them out, neither one of them could hear what I was saying. Right now, I find myself feeling the same way I felt when I left him. I feel stuck. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go to feel ok. I feel like I'm yet again searching for home, and searching for myself, without having any idea of where to even start looking, or if it's even somehow okay for me to be searching.
When I was married, I wasn't allowed to let issues be issues for very long. When there was anger, we had to fight it out before either of us went to bed. He believed in the idea of "never go to bed angry". And he wanted to constantly talk through issues, even when I didn't have the issue fully formed into words in my mind yet. Many arguments escalated to an ugly level, simply because I wasn't given the time or space to gather my thoughts so that we could have rational conversation.
Now here I find myself in almost the exact opposite dilemma, with the same root issue. I'm not allowed to have issues because if I do, they'll be ignored and treated with the silent treatment.
It's one of the few opposites between the two that I've found.
The circumstance I find myself living in is one of extreme discomfort. Of repeated feelings and pained memories. I feel like I'm living in my marriage all over again... with the only difference being that this relationship is one with my mother, not someone I chose to be with.
I do not feel okay. I do not feel comfortable. I do not feel safe, in some ways. I do not feel at home. I feel like there's a dynamic at work in the two most prominent relationships in my life thus far, that are major flags that I never want to see again. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel utterly stuck in the situations I am living in.
How do I express to someone that I'm not okay... and not have them run away or get angry with me? How do I find a way to talk through my issues without someone telling me that they're not issues? How do I express myself to someone I'm supposed to trust and be 100% okay with, if they only ever run from the issues that I have with them that I bring forward?
I cannot live in silence. I cannot live in a situation where issues in a relationship are not talked about, or contrarily need to be talked about ASAP and cannot be thought about over an appropriate time.
I hate this. I feel the need to talk to someone about my issues, but the one person with whom I need to discuss these issues doesn't want to talk about them (in or out of counseling).
Yet another similarity of wanting to avoid counseling.
It's so funny how, when I was young, my mother had no hesitation with taking me to a counselor to try to work through my issues... but when it came time to either do a joint session, or for her to go in to talk to the therapist by herself (even if talking to them about me)... she didn't go. Counseling stopped.
And life moved on. And I still had issues. I still have issues. My depression isn't going away. My pain and frustration and hurt... it's all still as much there as it was when I was 11.... but a little bigger now. I've slowly been able to at least recognize it for what it is, and to keep control of it all... most days.
I really, sincerely, hope that a new living situation will improve this life. Because I am not okay with this right now. I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, with my mother living in my living room while between jobs. I pay the bills for the apartment, and my mom buys food and cooks dinner. I hate it.
I don't want to live with someone anymore. I don't want to live with anyone anymore. I can't handle being the only one who wants to talk through issues. I can't handle not having my own food and my own life. I can't handle being the only option to go do things with. I have so many issues.
I don't want to do this anymore.